My List of Regrettable Sex Toys I’m Trying To Forget

After reading Epiphora’s list of “Terrible Sex Toys I Used to Lust After“, I figured I should pen my own list of wonky toys I purchased before I was enlightened to the importance of sex toy matierals. Trust me, there’s been many a questionable thing I wanted to shove up my vagina.

I was on a budget and thought that bigger meant better. I thought smaller dildos and vibrators wouldn’t be good enough and I didn’t know that warm-up was essential. If I had to choose just one, I’d choose the biggest, cuz then I’d have to be satisfied, right? Right…(wrong).

Ok, this thing. It’s not the exact model and make that I owned, but I bought it about 5 years ago and can’t find the product page anymore. The thing was HUGE! And since I was a newbie to fucking my own vagina, I didn’t know I wasn’t turned on enough to handle it and I used whatever cheap lube came as a free gift. *Sigh* Thank goodness I didn’t end up with some crazy vaginal irritation since it was made of rubber. [Don’t fuck rubber toys!] So after this horrible experience, I went on to buy…

This scary ass jelly dildo. I actually tried JELLY! I didn’t end up with any serious chemical burns or allergic reactions, thank jeebus, but it smelled horrid and stained my shelf after I gave up on trying to fuck it and set it aside as funny decoration for my room. After an extended stay on my shelf where it stood there for about 4 months, the base eventually melted and oozed chemicals a bit and ruined the finish of my shelf. Grrr. I tried using it maybe 3 times, each time with condoms and once without. No crazy reactions. Please, please, please don’t even think of using Jelly. It’s porous! It holds onto bacteria and bodily fluids and soap chemicals and errythang forever! It also can cause some serious vaginal irritation and chemical burns.

Ok, again, not the same one as pictured, but someone once bought me something very similar once upon a time. I should’ve dumped them the second I smelled the rancid jelly. With an insertable length no longer than 3″, they probably felt I’d stretch out my virtuous vajay if they actually purchased me something that was a little bigger and pleasing. *eyeroll* I mean, I don’t need something massive like the ones shown above, but this thing was laughable. I eventually threw the jelly sleeve away and only used the vibrator that came with it.